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If your girlfriend's dad ever angrily asks "where do you get off"
"In your daughter" is the wrong answer
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Girl, you must be a trash can...
Because I want to take off your top and stick my junk in you.
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A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator...
And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.
The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."
The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"
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Jazz I love the rapid fire jokes. Were off to a great start!
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Why do Mexicans have TAMALES for Christmas????? So that they have something to unwrap !!!!! ๐๐๐๐๐๐
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When Devin_peridot was younger , she one time got home and told her mom โฆ..
โmommy mommy Socalbwlz penis is like a penutโ
the mom asked โohhhhh itโs very small ?โ
Devin : โ NO!!!! Itโs saltyโ!!!!!!!!!
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
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I really hope I win !!!!๐ฅ๐๐๐๐๐
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From my profileโฆ i LOVE a well timed jokeโฆ
An army general is newly stationed in a desert post. On his first day, he calls for a soldier to show him around. While doing this, he notices a camel randomly tied to a tent.
He asks the soldier, "Soldier, why is that camel tied to the tent?"
The soldier looks awkward and answers, "Er, well sir, as you know there are no women on the base so, um... the camel is there for when the men get certain... um... urges..."
The general nods in understanding and says, "well, I don't condone this behavior, but I suppose I understand."
A few weeks into the post, the general starts feeling these urges himself. He calls for the soldier to bring the camel to his tent. He then goes outside, gets a stool, and has wild animal s@x with the camel.
After he's finished, he climbs confidently off of the stool and sees the soldier staring at him, wide-eyed.
"So," the general says with a grin, "is this how you boys do it here?"
The soldier answers, still wide-eyed, "No, Sir, we usually just ride the camel into the nearby town... where the women are."
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"A young man walks into a drugstore and says, 'I've been invited to dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterward, I'm hoping to get lucky if you know what I mean.'"
"Clerk: 'How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack.
'The young man smiles and says, 'You know what? The mom is also smoking hot. I think I'll take another pack in case I get extra lucky.'
The night of the dinner, the boy sits at the table and doesn't say a word. After a while, his girlfriend says, 'If I'd known you'd be so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you.'
The young man replies, 'And if I'd known your dad worked at a drug store, I wouldn't have come.'"
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The king of the jungle (the lion) decides to throw the best party to.celebrety his birthday
And he make the announcement:
โEveryone is invited to my party , you have to bring MEAT as a gift , if u donโt , Iโll stick it up ur ASS!!!!!!โ
The day of the party , there is a huge line into the venue , all the animals carrying a good amount of meat as a present .
The Lion is at the entrance checking everyone :
โGiraffe , u brought meat , ur in
Tiger , meat . Ur in โ
Turtle , meat , ur in
Squirrel, 3 nuts ๐ก๐ก!!!!!!!!
THE LION SCREAMS AT THE SQUIRREL
โ squirrel , what did I say ?????
What ever u brought that was not meat , I would stick it up ur ASSSSS!!!!!!๐คฌ๐คฌ๐คฌ๐คฌ
The lion sticks the first nut , the squirrel laughs ๐๐๐๐
The lion sticks the second nut , the the squirrel laughs ๐๐๐๐๐
The lion does not get why tha fuck is this squirrel laughing
The lion sticks the THIRD nut , the squirrel laughs ๐๐๐๐๐
The lion could not believed his eyes and asks the squirrel โwhy the fuck are u laughing???????
The squirrel answers ::::::
THE MONKEY HAS COCONUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!๐ฅฅ ๐ฅฅ ๐ฅฅ ๐ด
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
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Hundreds of sperm are waiting in the gentlemanโs nut sack ready to take their turn to impregnate the ready and waiting egg that is sending subliminal signals for the sperm to start their journey. They are swimming furiously in a frenzy as the path to the promised land is laid before them. They select one lucky sperm to start the journey as he was the most super excited to erupt first
As he begins his journey out the shaft, he cant keep his excitement under control. He swims furiously until he stops dead in his tracks!
He screams out to the others. โGo back, Go back, Its a BLOWJOB!
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I'm dying! These are so funny!
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An old couple are getting ready for bed one night when suddenly the old woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"
The old man thinks for a bit and says "I'll have the soup."
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Was the squirrel one the best one ? ๐ฅธ๐ฅธ๐ฅธ๐ฅธ๐ฅธ๐ฅธ
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I wanna be a "Super Pussy!" kinda old lady some day. Hahahaha. Can I get a cape? I wonder what my super power would be.
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A penguin was driving down the road when his check engine light came on. So he immediately found an auto shop, and told the mechanic what happened.
The mechanic said heโd check it out and come back in an hour.
The penguin walked out and found a Dairy Queen and went inside. After the hour passed he went back to the mechanic.
The mechanic said it looks like you blew a Seal. The penguin said nope just had some ice cream.
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Why donโt skeletons fight each other?
They donโt have the guts!
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Whatโs that old wrinkled up thing on grandma?
Grandpaโฆโฆ
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Old lady comes into a sex shop and starts looking at a wall full of dildos
Moments later a store member comes and ask the old lady
Store personal : HOW CAN I HELP U MISS
old lady : any recommendations on fun dildo
store personal : well he have this one the CUM5000 , small and slick design perfect for discretion
Old lady : thanks but Iโm looking for something a little bigger
Store personal: ok than , maybe u may be interested in the รERFECTMALE model , nice size and and itโs rechargeable for better performance .
Old lady : Iโm looking for something more like the RED one that is all the way to the left
Store personal : LADYโฆโฆ. THATS THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER !!!!!!!!
Hahahahahahahahaaahahahhaaha
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Wife: 'I can't believe you went to a prostitute to have sex!' Husband: 'What did you expect? We haven't done anything for months...' Wife: 'You could have told me you were willing to pay.
"Whatโs worse than two girls running with scissors? Two girls scissoring with the runs."
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A grasshopper walks into a bar.
Waitress saya, "hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named STEVE?"
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A man and a dog walk into the elevator.
The dog says, "Can I smell your balls?"
The man says, "No you may not!"
The dog says, "Then it must be your ass."
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A cowboy rode into an unfamiliar town late one night, tied his horse to the post and went into the saloon for a beer.
There were some known pranksters in this town, and when the cowboy finished his beer and went outside to head out, his horse was missing!
Pretty riled up the cowboy swung open the saloon doors, pulled out his pistol and shot it into the ceiling!
"I'm going to have one more beer, and if my horse isn't back on the post when I finish, I'm going to do what I did in Texas! And I sure as hell don't want to have to do what I did in Texas!"
The crowd was deathly quiet as they watched him slowly drink his beer. He finished his beer, and headed outside, and low and behold, his horse was back where it had been!
He saddled up and as he was getting ready to ride out, the bartender came out and asked, "Hey mister, what did you do in Texas?"
"I walked home."
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HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting "13...13...13"
The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through it to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting "14...14...14"
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Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them. One old lady immediately had a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach.
Last call! I will be announcing the winner in an hour.
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VictoriaSweets9 YOU WIN!!! Your joke about the husband and wife got the biggest laugh out of me of all the great jokes submitted.
Thanks for playing everyone. That was fun!
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๐ข
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Excellent choice ๐
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Whatโs the difference between between light and hard?
Most guys donโt have a problem falling asleep with a light on.
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Victoria's was best but I also liked the cowboy in the bar, both made me laugh out loud.
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| There are 31 comments on this blog. |
