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I'm so sorry, June.
Honestly, finding a good therapist to talk to really really helps. Some specialize in dealing with grief, so maybe start with one of them. I have a few I can recommend if you need. Look for a grief support group in your area and maybe attend a meeting. See how it feels. Sometimes it's easier to open up to total strangers that know nothing about you than it is to confide in friends and family.
Lean on your friends and family for help. You are not alone and you don't need to shoulder this burden all by yourself. You would be amazed by who will step up and cook meals for you, help with chores, cleaning etc. It's totally natural to feel overwhelmed and completely unmotivated to get anything done. Don't beat yourself up over it. Ask for help! (I know that's hard. Believe me. I know. Congrats on taking the first step with this blog post!)
Finally, trust that it will get better. It's hard. Really hard. And it sucks. And it feels terrible right now. And all of that is totally natural and understandable. But remember that you won't feel this way forever. Things will get better.
Hugs hugs and more hugs.
S
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I agree with everything StevensonLA said. Iâve been there with my parents and brother. Believe me It does get better. Take the time to grieve and be thankful for the time you had with her.
Love and prayers to you and your family â¤ď¸ đ
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Oh June, sending the biggest hug!
I do not want to lie and say it gets easier. I really want you to know that youâre going to feel it before it gets better.
I lost my dad, and then my grandfather right after.
But my dad was homeless and I picked up his stuff in a brown paper bag, and my grandfather who was what I feel is a definition of a man passed 8months later.
And this was 2 years ago and I still hurt and just start crying. Couldnât even drive past the hospital where my grandfather was without having a break down.
I really just want you to know itâs okay.
Itâs okay to cry. Itâs okay to mentally check out.
But always remember you that woman!
You handled so much. And this too will be handled. And obviously you get your strength from your grandmother.
Take it day by day, do the simplest things, like putting some makeup on.
Put on an outfit that makes you feel good.
Itâs truly the little things that matter.
Youâre strong and you got this.
Again sending love and all the tightest hugs!
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So sorry June. Cancer sucks. I've been through this with my parents and it's not easy. It will be okay. It does help to have family and friends around to keep you occupied. Talking about it helps. Don't keep it to yourself. It will be fine, you will be fine.
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It's extremely difficult dealing with what you are going through. I would agree with what others said earlier and do get support if you feel you need it.
It will probably sound crazy to you now but there will come a day where these tough times have been moved to the very back of your memory and you will only reminisce about the good times.
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@june I just wanted to share with you that it is ok to feel sad and to cry, it is hard to deal with what you and your fam are going thru.
you are welcome to message me if you need someone to talk to
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Sorry to hear of those.
I feel you.
I would strongly suggest Huberman's podcast for you.
https://youtu.be/LTGGyQS1fZE?si=sWDLeOC2Pn3YRgmQ
Best regards
Madcatz27
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MissNatCox has some great advice. The only part I'll counter is that it does get better. Time heals all wounds, but not completely. You'll never forget. There will always be triggers. There will always be, "I'll ask grandma.... ah, crap." That's because they're always in your heart.
Your reaction is totally normal. It's part of grieving. As Nat said, it's small steps towards normalcy. Or functioning. It's trite, but the addiction community says "One day at a time". Same applies here.
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You are all seriously THE BEST. I have been showered with so much love and positive energy, as well as phenomenal advice that I don't even know how to start to thank everyone. This is my first major loss and it was just a giant eye opener, but I am finally able to start moving forward for a positive change.
Thank you Steven, that is literally my first step and I probably should have gotten one YEARS ago. The problem is that I have spent the last 10 years of my life helping others and taking care of my family that I never learned how to take care of myself. I started masking it with school and trying to stay busy that I just maintaining and not realizing what I was truly lacking. I DEFINITELY could use some help .
dynamo. You have and will always be a treasure! thank you. I started seeing her as much as I could and its helping. I dont want to regret shutting down and not being there for whatever time is left so I am doing my best to stay positive.
NatCox.... I swear thats exactly what I need to hear. I am not there yet but I am doing my best. I got my dog back so its helping me keep a schedule but even putting on nice clothes and doing my makeup is SUCH a task. I wont even get started on the laundry that I refuse to make eye contact with .... Im working on it though!!! I am going to spend the day tomorrow just getting back on track if I can but I really thank you for the love and positive words.
Thank you Mcracer. I have been surrounded by family and it helps ALOT! especially knowing that she will not be alone . A bunch have flown in from out of state and it comforts me seeing that shes cared for
Lather thank you! it comes and goes. Today I did great, I went to the mall with a friend and walked around with our dogs. I didnt have any issues until I was driving and "How to save a life" started playing .
Jay I would really like that. I will text you my number if thats okay
madcatz, THANK YOU!!! thats just what I needed I will check it out now.
thefish.. yes. she hit the nail right on the head and I have so many wonderful messages and PMs that it really helped me get an idea of how to start my healing journey. This is my first major loss and its just a different kind of hurt. My great grandma passed at 109 so i wasnt sad when she did because she fulfilled so much. I really cant thank you all so much for this
I was so embarrassed after posting this because I am usually the one to figure it out myself. I have to keep reminding myself that its okay if I dont always have the answers, and that sometimes its better to ask for help........ I am working on that.
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@JuneMoon I just dm'd you. A lot of great advice has been posted as well! đ
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Hi June, we've never met but I am sorry for what you're going through. I myself have gone through loss recently and it's been dark. I wish I had advice for you but grief is just a product of loving someone as much as you do. Your heart can't choose when to love the same way it can't choose when to grieve. Some things may help, and there has been some great advice already thrown out there, but to grieve is to be human. The best cure will come with time. Just know that you are loved too. Again I'm very sorry.
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First off... what you are doing for your grandmother is great. Taking care of someone else when they can't take care of themselves is the second most important job, but often the least prestigious job. I can relate to this because I'm taking care of my 80+ mother, and it's an incredible sacrifice of time, not to mention the toll it is for mental health. So then what is most important job? it's taking care of yourself of course! You can't take care of someone else, if you don't take care yourself first. I know it seems overwhelming and tiring, and there's no time for yourself, but you have to find time for yourself. I recommend that you wake up 1-2 hours before your grandma does and do something just for you. Do you like running, or yoga, or thai kickboxing? Channel all that mental frustration into something physical that you enjoy doing. If you like watersports, I go paddling canoe/kayak with a group of paddlers at Newport Aquatic Center weekdays from 6-7am. Waking up early and doing something for yourself first will leave you relax and recharged so that you can face the long day ahead of you. Life is challenging.. if you can't work it out, then sweat it out!
Also I assume that your grandmother can't afford to pay for someone to take care of her... If she doesn't have much in the savings account, then she should qualify for Medi-Cal. If she has Medi-Cal, then she should also qualify for IHSS, In Home Support Services. This is a program where the county will pay for a caregiver to go your grandmas house to take care of her. Here is the address for the office to get more information
In-Home Supportive Services (IHSS)
2020 W. Walnut St.
Santa Ana, CA 92703
Phone: 714-825-3000, Monday - Friday, 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.
Someone will go visit your grandma to access how much need. For instance my mom needs a lot of assistance, so that awarded her 80hrs a week from the IHSS office. 80hrs is enough to hire 2 full time caregivers to come take care of my mother. Since I am taking care of my mom, IHSS will pay me up to 40 hrs for taking care of my mom, something I was already doing for free. Its minimum wage, but its better than nothing. On top of that theres another 40 hours leftover to hire another caregiver to go to my mothers house, and IHSS will pay for it. This is really important that you get another caregiver to help out your grandmother, because you can't do this all alone. You will need someone to look after your grandma for a bit, when you have to step out and buy groceries and run errands etc. I really really urge you to look into the IHSS program.
Good Luck, if you just need someone to talk that's going through a similar situation, I PM'ed you my number.
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I recently lost a loved one to cancer. For your Grandmother there is little to look forward to. She may want to consider "End of Life Option." If you want to know more, email me at anthonyinternational@yahoo.com.
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@junemoon, I lost my dad a few years ago know how youâre feeling. It was tough how I lost him too and blamed myself a lot and felt shouldâve done more to be there for him. Gave as much time as I had but it never feels like enough once they are gone. He had Parkinsonâs so last 10 years of his life he was declining and last 3 months he was in rehab facility during covid so never got to touch or hug him. Had to visit through a window.
Point is the pain and doubts and regrets stay for awhile but I always remind myself that he would want me to not feel any guilt and live my best life for him. Donât let the pain, sorrow and sadness take over and be string and keep their legacy alive by being your set self and living your best life for those that we lost.
Iâm sorry for your loss but sounds like you have been a rock for your grandma and done the best that you can and sure she was always grateful for that. Be strong and with time it will get better.
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I have had SUCH a huge support system and cannot thank you all enough
Spending a lot of time with her is helping and has actually done a positive reset mentally. I dont feel as hopeless as before and now its a eye opener to better understanding coping.
LON22.. thank you, checking now! There is so much great help posted especially from those who can personally understand my situation.
gbsoph... Thank you! now that she's home my family has stepped up to help and a lot of them even flew out to california to be with her. Seeing her surrounded by so much love definitely helps. And she's still fussing and being her normal grumpy self so that is a good thing. So far it is just about making her comfortable and doing what we can in the time being which I am so happy that she know that she's loved.
Sultana... Thank you! I absolutely agree and decided to take a week off, travel a little further out and have a spa day. Everyone always talks about the importance of taking care of yourself but I never knew how to. After spending my whole life taking care of others, I am finally learning what it truly means and OMG! I have been missing out!.. I got a membership to Burke Williams and also have been utilizing my gym more as well as simply going for walks. YOGA IS A GAME CHANGER! I discovered a company called Puppy Yoga and at first I went simply for the puppies, but then I quickly realized that I was NOT in the best of shape no matter how great I look. Stretching more, youtube workout videos and even just listening to music and dancing has been such a great release.
She had Medi-cal but it was canceled a few months ago. We are still fighting with that but right now everything is being paid out of pocket and we are hoping to get reimbursed in the next 6 months or so ..hopefully... I am IHSS certified and have been her provider for a few years now. She needs 24 hour care so it helps but for some reason they arent covering more than 12 hours. We are also looking into that as well as finding another caregiver to replace me. Can i message you and see how you were able to get more hours provided? I would really appreciate it .. Luckily a few women in my family are nurses so we have been having the best help but they all live out of state and will be going home soon
anthony THANK YOU!! I just emailed you. I'll Pm you my email as well... Would really like any information that I can get
Socalguy.. thank you... So far we just have to make sure that shes comfortable and do the best that we can . I am 100000 times better since I wrote this and really cant thank you all enough!
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